This off season has been comically short. For me I mean.

The last game was in April, then I turned to raising my new born son (Spurs onesie anyone?)  took a quick vacation, and then started pre-season -- which is what I call the obsessive refreshing of Skysports' Transfer Center.

So if you've been hiding under a rock or, you know, getting fresh air and sunshine, then allow me to catch you up on what you've missed. 

    •  ManCity has a Carlos Tevez shaped hole next to the Mario Balotelli shaped hole in their main offices. "Must get rid of the rotten apples" City's new manager, Manuel Pellegrini, said, loading them into a giant cannon and firing them off to Italy.
    •  ManU has lost Sir Alex Ferguson who has retired to some cold and rainy place. His replacement: David Moyes, the ex-Everton manager, who seems to resemble a recently Bar Mitzvah'd boy trying to convince everyone that now he's REALLY a man. As such he's spent the past month trying to sign Cesc Fabregas from Barcelona (and failing) and trying to convince the world that Wayne Rooney's not going anywhere and that their relationship is just peachy (it's not).
    •  Chelsea has pulled a full on coke-binge shopping spree bolstering its squad with an embarrassment of riches including Mr. Bad Boy himself, Jose Mourinho, who returns to London on a diamond encrusted yacht piloted by Roman Abramovich and fueled by the souls of the working class.
    • Arsenal and Liverpool have been locked in the cutest game of "who's going to do out do who?" First Arsenal put in a bid for Louis Suarez in the amount of £40,000,000. Liverpool said, "how about a little more?" and Arsenal responded with £40,000,001. No joke, they threw on another buck-fifty. Turns out they thought Suarez had a clause in his contract that would release him should a team pull a stunt out of Head of the ClassBrendan Rogers (Liverpool's answer to David Brent) responded by saying "Arsenal have no class." Clearly class being defined, in this case, as NOT having a portrait of oneself in one's own home.
    • Around the rest of Europe, Bayern Munich has hired Pep Guardiola who has the unenviable task of taking over a team that has just won the Bundesliga, Their version of the FA Cup, AND the Champions League. Meanwhile Monaco is flaunting their tax-free status by doing some duty free shopping all over Europe, and Barcelona's new manager, Tata, has won the award for buying the player with the best worst hair in the whole of the world
    • Which leaves us with Tottenham and the ongoing soap opera of Gareth Bale.

    In short here's what happened. 

    Pure love

    Pure love

    • Bale was shit for a long time. 
    • Then he got really really freaking good. 
    • Then Harry Redknapp tried to play him in the center of the field and he was shit again (and ridiculed by the Tottenham faithful I might add). 
    • Then 'Arry was fired and Villas-Boas hired. He immediately changed the tactics (and was booed by the Tottenham faithful).
    • Under AVB Bale played wherever he wanted... and scored whenever he wanted, too! 
    • That's when we started getting worried, his contract was up, he was sure to go to someplace that can pay silly money for our little Welshman.
    • Then Bale signed a new contract, hazzah! Rejoice! 
    • Then we failed to qualify for the Champions League.
    • And that's when Real Madrid stepped up to the mic, cleared its throat and said something about £100,000,000. 
    • And... then the media melted down (followed shortly after by the Tottenham faithful).

    Everyday there are reports that he's unhappy, reports that he's injured, reports that he's not going anywhere, and reports that the whole thing is a giant conspiracy to raise Tottenham's stock in the world market by fabricating a story about £100,000,000 along with their "strategic partner" Real Madrid. 

    Now, depending on who you ask, it seems ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that he's definitely maybe going to Madrid but probably not. 

    Here's what I'm happy to finally say: 


    I mean he's our best player, a beautiful player to watch, and a player that single-handedly made me almost punch a hole in my ceiling with delight. But I know that we'll be fine either way.  

    How, Aaron, how can you be so sure?  

    I can't. But tomorrow, in Part 2, I'll explain why I think Bale, Suarez, and even little ol' Rooney should probably be sold off to the highest bidder.